


Regrets make for cold comfort

by Viola_Laterra



Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: During Canon, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-15 23:04:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17538011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viola_Laterra/pseuds/Viola_Laterra
Summary: After Thor believes him dead, Loki is free to stealthily roam Asgard -- and come to terms with his complicity in his mother's death.  He finds an unexpected moment of grace from an old friend.(written 8 April 2014)





	Regrets make for cold comfort

Sitting alone in the darkened room, somewhere in a half-forgotten tower of the palace, Loki leaned his head against the pillar.

Constant vigilance was the price of his existence here, of course. Some illusion or other was always necessary to hide him from Asgardian soldiers. Fortunately he was always smarter than they. He smirked to himself in the shadows. Even imprisoned, he had fooled them however he wished.

Even imprisoned... he stood abruptly, trying to avoid that memory, that last time he'd seen her. She'd reached out to him... "you're always so perceptive about everyone but yourself..." he'd instinctively reached for her hands, though he knew she was illusory, and she had vanished in the light green wash that her magic always had.

He walked to the parapet and set his hands on it, then sank down, leaning on his elbows, holding his head. Tears came unbidden, and he thought to himself that if he could just see her, one more time... 

"Loki." He turned, and there she was, his mother, the one who had taught him everything he knew about magic, the one who always seemed to know the truth of him even when he tried to hide it. He knew he had conjured her, he knew she wasn't real, not even half-real the way she had been that last time.

And then, she vanished. This time with the showier, brighter-green flash so characteristic of his illusions. He'd never been struck quite so much before by how different their magic looked, when one paid close attention. Somehow hers looked better. More nuanced, more elegant. He slumped back to the ground.

He'd always thought he'd put his own stamp on things, she'd taught him how to do these tricks, and many many other things... but he made it his own. And children did, he supposed. But suddenly he wished that he could make magic the way she could... wished he could have been more like her... for a few long moments he was washed in grief again. 

This time the rage was gone - he'd killed the monster that killed her. Thor had told him, as Jane described, that Frigga had nearly done Malekith in... had him pinned down, clearly the greater warrior, at least when he lacked the power of the Aether. It was the monster, the Kursed, who had killed her, and he'd killed the monster. So all that was left now was the hollowness, the loss. There was also some of the terrible shame that he knew he had told the monster where to go, in that moment in the cells.

"Hello mother. have I made you proud?" he'd said sarcastically when he saw her. He wished he could have made her proud, ultimately... what son didn't? And then he felt a bit of the shame, the regret, of having done all he'd done, trying to rule Earth. He'd disappointed her. That was it, in the end. He'd justified it in so many ways, but they never mattered when it came down to it. He knew he'd made it up to her in some way by helping Thor and certainly by stopping Malekith at least in the way he could, by helping his brother. But he had told the monster where to go...

He clenched his fists. Why did he stay here? He could go anywhere in the universe, because he knew the secret ways. But he lurked here, around Asgard, still searching for something. Was it just that he couldn't let her go? The one person who had understood him?

Someone cleared their throat. Loki started up, dagger out immediately, and tried to leap to the shadows, thinking to himself, Stupid, stupid... should have known better than to be so self-indulgent...

...and was stopped by a blade. And it was the Lady Sif on the other end. Loki looked her in the eyes, trying to read her, trying to gauge her reaction. He didn't want to kill her, or try to kill her -- she was a formiddable opponent -- but surely she'd turn him in.

"Loki," she said quietly, "I take it rumors of your death were exaggerated."

He tried to grin, but the customary flippancy came less easily than usual. Thinking too much of mother, and of all his ill deeds. They bothered him more than usual today. All he could muster was a hollow laugh and "Well, that's awfully uncharacteristically clever of you, Sif. Are you planning to fix that?"

She kept her eyes on him, steel to match her blade, which was now at his throat as she stepped close. Evenly, she said, "Not I alone, of course."

Loki felt a flash of nervousness. Just what had Thor told everyone about their last adventure together? Did she think he had betrayed Thor? It wasn't like him to leave anything out of such a story... 

Looking away, he sighed and sagged against her sword. And against her, too. He could feel her armor, smooth and unyielding. On another day, maybe he would have tried to find the weak points, perhaps under the arm, and use his dagger to stab her and distract her long enough to run away or create a suitable illusion and run away. But he simply hadn't the space for it at the moment. Literally or figuratively.

"Since when are you so stealthy, anyway?" he said, looking back to her face. He was surprised to see her look softer than a moment ago.

"Since when does Loki show his weakness?" she whispered back to him. Her blade was still at his throat.

He didn't know what to say. How much had she seen? Somehow when she said 'weakness' here it sounded like a compliment, though he was sure he needed to find a way to fend off the statement. At least for his image, at any rate. But before he could come up with something suitably clever, she looked away, and went on: "Thor told us what you did. That you helped him, that you protected Jane, and you protected him. That you died saving him."

He looked down, too. "I did." A beat. Then: "Well, except for the dying part, obviously."

Looking back up at her, he saw her smile slightly. "There's the Loki I remember," she said. And for a second, a flash of memories flooded him - all the times they had all fought together. All up until Thor's banishment.

And for just a moment, he saw something flicker in her eyes... appreciation, perhaps? Or maybe even attraction? Maybe all those years when she had poked fun at him - not a real warrior, all trickery - maybe she had thought better of him than she'd let on. She did often tend towards bravado and seriousness, being a woman warrior, trying to be treated as an equal among men. Asgardian society wasn't so gender-neutral that it had been easy for her.

She sighed, and stepped away, lowering her weapon. In disbelief, he asked, "Aren't you going to turn me in?" She looked at him.

"No, Loki. What you have done... those things are inexcusable," she said sadly. "But you did right by Thor, and by Asgard, and by the Nine Realms, that day. It's probably better for people to believe you are still dead." Then she smiled and added, "Besides, I think you might manage to slip away again in any case."

Weak for a moment, he said, "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Sif smiled. "I'm fairly sure it's not, but..." her eyes flicked briefly to where the image of Frigga had been, "I think you've bought yourself a second chance, at least from me. Now don't waste it." She nodded at him, and then turned to go. Warily, he saw. Ah, yes, the warrior knew better than to trust him still. She somehow managed to leave him without actually leaving an opening.

She left, and the tower seemed very empty indeed. "Thank you," he whispered to the darkness. Half to Sif, though she was already gone. And half to the one who was really gone.

It was cold in the tower. Loki shivered, and wrapped himself more tightly in his cloak, preparing to venture back down as the light faded into night.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this before Thor: Ragnarok came out, when I wasn't sure how to interpret Loki posing as Odin at the very end of Thor: The Dark World. I reasoned he had to get around the castle, at least until he figured out what his strategy was going to be. It still kind of works, I guess.
> 
> I tried to do Tom Hiddleston's performance (and the various writers' skills) justice here. I think I did okay. :)


End file.
